Another Day...another meltdown?

Well, Just when i think i am feeling better....

I went to Al Anon this morning. I can really only get to this one meeting a week but after 4 weeks i really feel ok about going AND sharing. (which is weird b/c normally any kind of public speaking would freak me out...) The past 3 weeks, when it was my turn to share--it was no problem. Today, the topic was "what the 1st step (aa step) means to me"...the first step is "Admitting we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable". So, they go around the room and everyone gets to share their experience/opinion. It's really fortunate that my meeting is mostly people who have been going for YEARS...so i get the benefit of hearing how far they have come and how they are happy/healthier now for having stayed in the program so long. When it was my turn...i went to speak--and i just started BAWLING. (and i have to tell you, I HATE TO CRY..ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS!!!). Instead of feeling that "oh i hate this" feeling....people looking and i am crying for no 'good' reason..........i was immediately greeted with 22 people standing at my side with comforting words and encouragement. It was so unexpected that i had broken down out of no where...but even more unexpected was the reaction that i got....they GOT IT. THEY UNDERSTOOD IT. AND they CARED. it was crazy. Of course, I felt instantly better. I guess i just had to break down and ADMIT that my life was unmanageable....(not due to my actions but the circumstance and all...). I mean, i KNOW things were bad and 'out of control' ..but i dont think i have said it OUTLOUD with any kind of admitting...and it obviously caught me off gaurd.

I have a feeling that some day, i may look back on today and think, "that was the moment it all changed"....FOR THE BETTER!