Another Day...another meltdown?

Well, Just when i think i am feeling better....

I went to Al Anon this morning. I can really only get to this one meeting a week but after 4 weeks i really feel ok about going AND sharing. (which is weird b/c normally any kind of public speaking would freak me out...) The past 3 weeks, when it was my turn to share--it was no problem. Today, the topic was "what the 1st step (aa step) means to me"...the first step is "Admitting we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable". So, they go around the room and everyone gets to share their experience/opinion. It's really fortunate that my meeting is mostly people who have been going for YEARS...so i get the benefit of hearing how far they have come and how they are happy/healthier now for having stayed in the program so long. When it was my turn...i went to speak--and i just started BAWLING. (and i have to tell you, I HATE TO CRY..ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS!!!). Instead of feeling that "oh i hate this" feeling....people looking and i am crying for no 'good' reason..........i was immediately greeted with 22 people standing at my side with comforting words and encouragement. It was so unexpected that i had broken down out of no where...but even more unexpected was the reaction that i got....they GOT IT. THEY UNDERSTOOD IT. AND they CARED. it was crazy. Of course, I felt instantly better. I guess i just had to break down and ADMIT that my life was unmanageable....(not due to my actions but the circumstance and all...). I mean, i KNOW things were bad and 'out of control' ..but i dont think i have said it OUTLOUD with any kind of admitting...and it obviously caught me off gaurd.

I have a feeling that some day, i may look back on today and think, "that was the moment it all changed"....FOR THE BETTER!

oh sheeet!

My baby son said his first curse word today! He's only 15 months old..and says barely 20 words..now one of them is a curse word! Oh why, do they always pick up on the ONE word they shouldnt repeat??? I had been gathering laundry, bent down to pick up a wayward sock and ended up dropping 1/2 the pile. The word just kind of slippppppped out. And all of 2 seconds later from the other side of the room i hear, "sssssheeeeeet" "ssssheeeet"....

Definitely not my crowning moment of motherhood glory!

My name is Alison G

A few weeks ago i went to my first Al Anon meeting. I was not sure what to expect and had put it off for a while. I guess i had a fear that it was either a bunch of depressed people sitting around thinking "why me", or worse "poor me".... OR a bunch of people who were way worse off than me who would think, "you are in the wrong place". I was pleasantly surprised to see i was wrong on both guesses. The only meeting i can regularly attend without making major adjustments to an already crazy childcare schedule happens to be on Tuesday mornings at 10 am. I am not sure if it immediately jumps out at you, but if you have ever gone anywhere at 10am on a Tuesday morning, the majority of the people out at that hour are either moms with little kids OR elderly people. Let's just say the median age of the group i dropped in on was probably about 60-65. BUT, that aside, the group was extremely welcoming and ...sweet. There were about thirty women there. They have all been working the program for quite a while and i was the only new comer that week so i definitely stuck out. It didnt matter though, they were "gentle" and let me observe. They gave me a cup of coffee, a few pamphlets, several hugs and something i did not expect: HOPE. I know it sounds 'cheesey' to say that, but it is true. After just one meeting, a big burden had been lifted off of me. These ladies -old or not- GOT IT. They have been there done that..and moved on.

On that first day, one of the Welcome Wagon ladies handed me a little packet with a few pamplet type books inside. I have read them several times since (as the messages can be read over and over with new meaning found each time). This morning, as i was showering (my really only quiet time during any given day...) I had a mini revalation. One of the biggest steps to work on is letting your higher power guide you...and trusting in it. It's funny. Because as i was thinking that thought, i flashed to a visit we had last year to 6 Glags. I was on a ride with my three yr old son. It was a little jeep that rode alone one of those steel guide-tracks. You can "steer" but really cant go off track as the guide will keep you from going more than a few inches either side.
My son, M, was in the drivers seat. And as most three yr olds will do, he was way over steering. The car of course, was banging side to side. THe more he would try to control it, the more out of control/bumpy it would get and the more frustrated he would get. I told him if he sat back a little and just let the car drive itself, then it would be easier. He did and he instantly smiled--relaxed and enjoyed the ride.
I had the thought today that, maybe, that is what i have been doing in my life. Trying to drive and steer and be in control, over and over getting myself all worked up when all along all i had to do was sit back and let this higher power take control. It was the same way my son was trying to steer over and over and over still getting the same result b/c there was absolutely NO WAY he was ever going to control that vehicle no more than i was ever going to be able to control the "wild ride" i was on.
I am not sure any of that makes sense. But for a few mins in the shower, it sure did. It made me realise that this "higher power" has me on the track i am supposed to be on .....maybe someday-SOON- i can learn to sit back and enjoy the ride!

Breaking the seal....

When 2007 began and all the talk was about "resolutions" that first week of the new year, i naievely resolved to keep a journal of the year. I imagined little anecdotes about the kids, or venting about stressful work days or some chaotic event du jour. Before i knew it, January had become February and that slipped into March...(you see where this is going....). By November, I just gave up on the idea and figured i would just hold off until THIS year and try again.
So, here it is, nearly the end of January 2008--but the year is still new enough (and lord knows there is definitely enough anecdotes, work stresses and chaos to fill some pages!) and i am vowing to at least TRY to make a go of it.

We shall see what happens!